CNN living mother-daughter
Mother-daughter relationships
Updated 7:38 AM ET, Tue November 1, 2011
Story highlights
- Sometimes a daughter needs a parent, not a partner in crime
- Compatition can challenge a mother-daughter relationship
- Fear of abandonment can intensify family dynamics
Whether you act like sisters or sparring partners, mothers and their daughters can still improve their connection.
The relationship: Best friends
You have the kind of "favorite dinner date," "first on speed dial" relationship that others envy.
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Why it's good:
Operating on a level playing field reflects self-confidence on the part
of both mother and daughter. "In terms of healthy communication, having
this kind of relationship is a big positive," says Deborah Tannen,
Ph.D., a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, in
Washington, D.C., and the author of "You're Wearing That?: Understanding
Mothers and Daughters in Conversation."
Why it's challenging:
Sometimes a daughter needs a parent, not a partner in crime. Studies
have confirmed what a lot of women know: When daughters face big life
changes, such as becoming parents themselves, they rely on their moms to
be experienced advisers, not buddies. This dynamic can be tough for
moms, too. They can feel hurt, for instance, when daughters rail at them
because they're slow to master new technology. "Moms who see their
daughters as friends expect them to think as though they came out of the
same generation," says Gail Saltz, M.D., a clinical associate professor
of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell
School of Medicine, in New York City.
Improving relations: Both
parties need to respect their true roles. "It's important to
acknowledge the generation gap," says Saltz. In other words, act your
age. Dads depend on that, too. For example, it's normal for a daughter
to tell her mom her relationship problems, but when a mother divulges
hers, it compromises the daughter's relationship with her father.
The relationship: Sisterly
You
don't rent DVDs together every night, but you have a deep connection.
Still, unlike the "best friends" relationship, an element of
competition, similar to sibling rivalry, can exist.
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Why it's good:
You clearly like each other because you want to be like the other, and
despite your age difference, you understand one another well.
Why it's challenging:
That sense of competition. "There's always some competitive feeling in
families, but we repress that," says Saltz. "It happens here, when roles
are blurred and sisterly, because there's real ammunition. Doors are
opening for daughters as they're closing for mothers." That can cause
resentment and fights, says Saltz. "Also, daughters often compare
themselves unfavorably to moms," she adds. They may think, My mom's
smarter and more successful than I am.
Improving relations:
To mitigate any competitive feelings, Tannen suggests trying to
understand what the other might feel rivalrous about and being
supportive in those areas. Don't be competitive in return. If things
deteriorate, time apart can help you both identify what you need or
don't need from the other going forward, says Saltz. Talk about it, and
start again on new terms.
The relationship: Clashing personalities
She's
bullheaded, opinionated, contrary. (And you're not, of course.) You may
share the same genes, but that's where the similarities end.
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Why it's good:
Your frequent head-butting may not be pretty, but there's a purpose to
all your bickering. "The model of the sensitive, nurturing mother is our
cultural expectation, but it's not the historically dominant one," says
Lee Sharkey, assistant professor of English and women's studies at the
University of Maine at Farmington. "That's not what put food on the
table." Rather, a mother did whatever she could think of to help her
children survive.
Why it's challenging:
It's confusing for a grown woman to fight with her mother about things
like boyfriends, hair length, or even her mother's own health care. Each
party feels powerless, says Tannen. Moms typically feel ignored and
react by badgering. Daughters feel, well, badgered and become defensive.
Improving relations:
"Mothers underestimate their own power and overestimate their
daughters', and vice versa," says Tannen. Daughters can help by "giving
their mothers a sense of their importance during conversation," says
Saltz. Repeating comments in the context of "So you're saying..." lets
Mom know that you're listening, even if her advice isn't always heeded.
The relationship: Reverse nurture
Your
roles are switching, whether it's due to age, health, finances, or
culture, and daughters are better equipped to take care of moms.
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Why it's good:
"As mothers age, even as they develop health problems, we're seeing the
mother-daughter relationship improve," says Karen Fingerman, an
associate professor of child development and family studies at Purdue
University, in West Lafayette, Indiana, and the author of "Mothers and
Their Adult Daughters: Mixed Emotions, Enduring Bonds." Daughters feel
needed, mothers feel loved. "Both sides come to accept the other for who
she is," says Fingerman.
Why it's challenging:
Passing the baton of authority is hard work. "There's tension, as
daughters are faced with demands and uncertainties, and mothers may feel
they're getting help they don't need," Fingerman says. These dynamics
can be marked in first-generation immigrant families, or if mother and
daughter grew up in dissimilar eras or circumstances. The daughter
encourages the mother to navigate the culture or times, which can cause
friction, says Sharkey.
Improving relations: Sharkey
suggests that daughters make mothers feel more valued as they become
less dominant. Spend time thinking and talking about the traditions and
the values that you share. This encourages daughters to see their
identities as critically and positively linked with their mothers and
can help preserve the mothers' sense of importance.
The relationship: Enmeshed
No decision gets made without the other's approval, which can be both a blessing and a curse.
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Why it's good:
"For girls, sameness is equal to closeness. In mothers and daughters,
that translates into regarding each other like yardsticks by which they
measure themselves, examining where they overlap and differ," Tannen
explains. When things are harmonious, it's like the ultimate love affair
-- there's one person you can always count on.
Why it's challenging:
With the pressure to be the same, it's tough to create boundaries. When
opinions differ, the stress of trying to gain the other's approval (or
feeling bad because she disapproves) can be overwhelming. "A daughter
has to understand that Mom isn't responsible for her anymore," says
Saltz. "A mother needs to realize that all her daughter's wins aren't
her own wins; all her losses aren't her own losses."
Improving relations:
These relationships are so intense because they're often driven by a
fear of abandonment, says Saltz. She suggests building boundaries
slowly. Daughters should emphasize how deeply they value their mothers'
opinions, then make it clear that certain forthcoming decisions will be
solo ones. "So many women try to make their mothers agree," she says.
"That's not necessary -- mostly they love you anyway."
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